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current weekly topic USE OF INVENTORY Sunday 7pm topic

Chad 24 06 2019 4:52 am (sent from my mobile)
Also, about recovery from those traumas, I was told by my friend and hero Tom A, 53 years sober 3 weeks ago!, that with the help of the program, I will get through it.  Which helps me to not listen to those mental messages of doom, and focus on the beautiful truth instead--the God of my understanding, through AA's 12 Steps, is carrying me sober through more difficulties (and emotionally they may be the toughest ones in my sobriety so far), one day at a time. 

Chad 24 06 2019 4:37 am (sent from my mobile)
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and for these shares.  David, I believe you and I have extremely similar pasts.  It has taken actually staying in my parents' house for over 3 years now for me to see the impact of childhood trauma on me, and my need to apply the Steps (which, for me, includes therapy) to those wounds, for who knows how long.  Because I have been diagnosed with PTSD, EMDR therapy has been suggested, and I hope to start it soon.  Have been procrastinating on that, I believe.  One of the unexpected things I'm finding is how my family relationships, in a powerful way, seem or feel like the most important thing about me.  Thankfully that's not the truth; the truth is that first and foremost I'm an alcoholic staying wonderfully sober one day at a time through the 12 Steps of AA.  Bob E's talks have been helping me, too.  (Bob Earll).  Grateful for your part in my sobriety today! 

David 24 June 12:48 am
One thing I've become aware off, is that I'm a human being, not a human thinking, or a human doing, or a human contemplation, or a human discussion, and for me I can do my best, but my ego always condemns me, always tells me your not good enough, or your not worth it, or your pathetic, or your toxic, whatever is negative my ego can through in my face. The feelings that your life doesn't matter, hopelessness I think, that whatever you say think believe or feel really matters to no one but yourself, feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted. One thing I have observed that literally terrifies me is intimate relationships, sense my relationship with my mom was one of violence and abuse and rejection and abandonment I seem to categorize all intimate relationships with these characteristics attached, breaking free from these concepts has been quite challengings, I might have attachement disorder, feeling unable to attach to anyone, because after all if they truly knew me they will reject me, they would abandon me and most certainly they will hurt me, the reward isn't worth the risk attached, but these old beliefs only serve to elminate the better things in life, this defensive mind construct, breaking down the mental walls I have created is where step four falls into place. Progress not perfection, but I'll be honest here, fear still seems to rule so much of my thoughts, feelings and inaction fear of making a mistake, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear, fear of being alone, fear of not having companionship, fear of being hated by other's fear of not getting other's approval, fear of not measuring up to what other people might believe or think, fear of the unknown and uncertainty, fear of loosing someone I love care for and have spent alot of my life with, fear just seems to dominate every area of my life, and the dark deep feelings of always being alone in this world, which I have felt sense I was a young kid, feeling alone and rejected, depression has been something I've dealt with chronically, on only a few rare occassions in my life journey have I not felt depressed and even in those moments I was skeptical as to how long this would stay before the depression returned, it's like spending most of your life just beneath the surface of the water only to come up once in a while for a breath of air, One thing I have always felt like, when I speak, no one is listening and feeling ignored. Wounds, religious abuse, family child abuse, self condemnation feelings that I'm not enough, feeling like im not appreciated, or that other's take you for granted. Enough of my ramblings thanks for you all being here

David 24 June 12:34 am
Mirrors, one valuable asset AA, the steps and my sponsor help me to see my persona in a healthier perspective, I'm blind to my own psyche in certain ways, there's certain parts of my behavior and persona I cannot see clearly alone, much like trying to view my back, without the help of a mirror its virtually impossible to see my own back, or the back of my neck, this is where other people's perspectives, help me to see myself more clearly than I can on my alone, on my own all I hold are delusions and my little ego, my little ego wants to be someone special, it wants to present itself as real, and most of my fears are attached to my ego, and inventory, AA showed me there's absolutely nothing I can do about any other human being's inventory on this planet, the only inventory, that's mine is mine, and the only inventory I'm interested in, is my own, then to share it with other's for me this is the steps out of isolation and denial in a way it's like turning oneself inside out. Here in the Philippines we eat lots of sweet mangos, and the way you eat it, is to slice it into squares then roll it inside out, then it eat, my inventory. When it comes to trains of thought, perspectices, ideas, belief systems, i seem to get very clingy to the familiar, taking things personally, making false assumptions, saying things I don't mean, being greedy, being prideful, learned helplessness, emotional flashbacks, character defects remind me of how wrapped up in myself I can become with my disease, the -ism of our disease is still extremely real to me, guilt and shame and denial and self pity and self hatred, all come into play, over thinking, being frozen in my mind and looking for identity with my thoughts, and playing the professional victim all of these are character defects. The ego isn't real, its a false self in a way, it's every false belief I have of myself the world my lovd one's and of other people in the world, anyways, enough out of me, there's more work and more to be revealed for certain.

alan 21 June 4:24 pm
Alan alcoholic

This time round, my 4th step inventory has taken on a new feeling. There seems to more clarity and I'm able to develope more aspects of certain wrongs which had been clouded.

I'm suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome, although at least the cause is now identified and being dealt with through various means I believe that the fatigue is even greater. I think it's due to the fact that I was denying the fatigue before and that now that denial is gone there has been release.

It's appropriate that I can feel relief and release throught 4th 5th and 6th steps and I'm as ever grateful top have a program which makes me aware of what I need and then offers me what I need when I'm willing to accept the suggested, I'd say required, actions.

Chad 19 June 7:51 am
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and that a list of character defects of mine that other AA members have pointed out has been coming to mind this month:


my sponsor Bill L--"be more assertive"

my sponsor Dave P--"you should exercise"

my sponsor Barry L--"you seem to think you're the worst"

my sponsor Leo S--"why don't you have any self-confidence?!"

my sponsor Kevin Q--"I think you overload yourself"

long timer friend Shawn D--problem with sarcasm

my sponsor Brett W--"shiny object syndrome"

long timer friend John V--"you think too much"


Grateful I can pray for the willingness to have them removed, like my sponsor Tony L helped me see in the Big Book.  

And I can remember what my friend and hero Bev D, 61 years sober last December!, told me:  "We're not perfect."  

Chad 17 June 8:07 am
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and thanks, Alan, for the helpful share; I just got to read it, and can definitely identify with fear of self and nonrespect of self.  Just now, I took an online test that was part of applying for a high school teaching job, and maybe got quickly obsessed with trying to say the right things in order to get the job.  Meanwhile, the questions are designed to see if the applicant is a good fit, rather than to see whether I'm a worthy human being or not, and the questions really showed that I might not be good at the job without a lot of training, and at this point I don't feel up to that.  

And I may have done that and other things in order to sabotage my progress in this degree program, which I seem to be making progress with in spite of my procrastination, backpedalling, and that kind of thing for the last couple of years.  There are two classes that probably had work due about an hour or two ago, and I'm already late in starting them.  

Procrastination is one of my defects that has been popping up a lot in the last 2 or 3 years, and I can see it working here.  

Thanks for making the PDF available of the Step of the month, Alan.  Looking at that, it seems like current defects of mine are jumping out at me--procrastination/sloth, gluttony, lust (those "imaginary sex excursions" maybe), and self-righteous anger.  Codependency is another one that I believe the GoMU has shown me I have, and it also helps me to see my mental illness, PTSD, as a character defect.  

One thing I don't really know if I know (if that makes sense :)) is whether I'm entirely ready to have defects removed.  Like, is that something I'll feel?  For maybe several years, I've been doing a blanket prayer, "please make me entirely ready to have You remove all my defects," which might be dodging part of Step 6, I don't know.  

Grateful to be sober, and for all of your help!  

Chad 13 06 2019 7:32 am (sent from my mobile)
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober. And this forum has been such a safe space for sharing inventories that I hope it's all right if I share another one that my end of day inventory brought up:

I'm resentful at:
The principle of self-control

The Cause 
Since my 2003 spiritual experience, I've had a sense that it's an illusion, and my God calls the shots, but it's a crushingly persistent false goal that was reinforced in my childhood by a stupid Christian song that keeps playing in my head.  

Affects my:
Self-esteem/fear
Ambition 
Security 
Personal relations 
Sex relations 

My part/mistakes 
Self-seeking--my ego demands that everyone see things my way, which is playing God, i.e. pride, I believe 
Frightened--i fear I look at everything all wrong but it's too late for changes 

How I retaliated:
Self-sabotage?

Thanks!

alan 11 June 4:33 pm
Hello all, Alan alcoholic.
I've enjoyed reading you, I've been going through some health issues, nothing serious now that it's being dealt with.

I wanted to say how much I'm finding good relief, mixed with a little pain, in working Step Four and Five. The fourth step inventory is particularly liberatin,g as an "avant prèmiere". I had a good suggestion from somebody who said that writing down the good stuff with the bad was a good idea. Change is coming with this, never easy and some pain has to be accaepted.

I think fear of self and non respect of self is par more damaging than what any third party could do to me. This is a new deal for me and quite a game changer. I thought my proress had stalled and there is God helping me to do what I can't do for myself. As long as I do the required actions and stop meddling things will be fine.

Chad 11 06 2019 3:46 am (sent from my mobile)
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and I believe Mel B might call that synchronicity--I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2016, then a therapist said it might be the complex kind, and I was helped with writing a trauma timeline maybe 6 months ago.  Then it seemed, unfortunately, like that therapist was triggered and even abusive to work with, and I was able to go back to a therapist who responded to the timeline with compassion and concern.  Codependency is a character defect of mine, I believe, that has recently become more clear as well.  Grateful I can pray for the willingness to have them removed, along with all the others!  And grateful for my sobriety!  

David 8 June 3:27 pm
Gratitude list three things I'm grateful for today. 
Grateful for me sobriety
Grateful for my health
Grateful for my adventures and travels

David 4 June 9:08 am
Professional Victim, one of my favorite character defects, and coping, and my childhood survival skills have now become useless. Alot of my recovery has been dealing with trauma and the damage caused from trauma. There's nothing more destructive than complex post traumatic stress disorder. Another character defect that I've had most all my life, is being made to feel responsible for things which are completely out of my control. Another character defect is learned helplessness and the feeling that there's nothing I can do about it. Another character defect is comparing myself to other people, and blaming other institutions and people, poor me, everyone is out to get me, boo hoo. 

Chad 03 06 2019 12:23 pm (sent from my mobile)
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and thanks for the helpful shares.  Yesterday, I slept a lot of the day, and was awake through the night, and now my mind is locked up on the question of whether to start my day with prayer and meditation, since it is 6am, or to do something else.  Sloth is another name for the defect of procrastination in the 12 and 12, and my staying on this weird schedule for so much of the last 3 years might be that defect in action.  Grateful I can pray for the willingness to have it removed, like the Big Book says in Step 6! 

And truly grateful I'm not staying up all night because of drinking and drugging's slow suicide; I tended to have to keep a strict schedule in active alcoholism, to try and stay paid, and I get great freedom in sobriety.  

David 3 June 12:05 pm
I'm resentful at:

Myself
My x girlfriend
At my parents
At the monetary system
At fake people
At Johnny Liu, Johnny Wu
At Tropic Helicopters
At my sister
my x wife
At jovi

Most all of these I have felt in one way or the other have tride to control my life, make decisions on how I would lead or live my life, or take something from me that wasn't there's to steal. 

Which effects my, pride, self esteem, and financial security, and I resent myself for allowing certain people to treat me in an unacceptable way

I'm resentful at the concept of consequences, and given life circumstances, you know when life gives you what you never asked for and takes from you what you enjoyed. 

effects my self esteem self worth and sense of safety and security and well being.
COncerning character defeats, for me, the top of the list is
1. perfectionism
2. Self righteousness
3. Justifiable resentments and anger
4. Self pity
5. Stinginess 
6. Pride
7. Arrogance
8. Close mindedness
9. Prejudice 
10. contempt
11. Self will run right
12. Boredom
13. Self loathing/hatred
14. Self centered fear
15. Stubborness

All of these defects seem to  go away but thenthey all come back stronger than before. 

alan 31 May 10:13 am
Alan alcoholic.
Use of inventory is powerful in the 4th/5th step and also at any time. Daily checkout is a form of inventory into which I can invite God to inspire a new point of view. Sometimes that consists of not doing rather than doing, if I can eliminate some negative actions or thoughts then new fresh positive events may happen.
It may be that, through negativity, I am missing out on some obvious truths which are too simple for me to see. Keepit simple, amen!!!
***Who would care to consider taking chair for this group, say just for next month (June)? We'll be working Step Six and some new ideas would be great! ***

Chad 30 05 2019 6:27 am (sent from my mobile)
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and that going back over the inventory prayerfully in 5/30/19, I was shown another resentment.  

I'm resentful at:
Marc H and Mark V

The Cause
Each one, when he was newly sober, was nice, asked for my help, and we did some fun things together.  Then they turned into passive-aggressive a--holes, laughing at my attempts to work Step 12, being disrespectful, and treating me like I don't exist.

Affects my:
Self-esteem/fear
Ambition
Security 
Personal relations 
Sex relations 
+?

My part/mistakes 
Dishonest--not a coincidence that Mark is my father's first name and I'm staying in his house.  Maybe I've been trying to get approval from other versions of him.  

Self-seeking--in the 12 and 12, Bill wrote about that urge to become possessive of newcomers who are doing well, and I believe I've been doing that with them.  In the now years that I've seen others come and go, including maybe 20-30 sponsees, those two have stayed sober.  And my ego says how my sponsees are doing is how I'm doing, like performance-based pay (which may be how I was raised to seereality--a just God, etc).  And that's my pride,i.e. me playing God, maybe by way of Codependency.  

Frightened--I fear having friends who are peers, I fear how those newer guys will do if and when I'm not around, I fear not being in control, I fear that the truth is that I'm actually gay and attracted to them, I fear that they've figured out I'm basically abig nothing in a Chad mask, I fear being blessed in ways they're not, I fear God will punish me for failing to fix them, and I fear my real God/Higher Power is showing me that I'm  truly free, at depth, of unhealthy dependency. 

How I retaliated-- passive-aggressive behavior, teasing with barbs, +?

Grateful for your part in my sobriety today!  

Chad 30 05 2019 5:12 am (sent from my mobile)
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and grateful that the end of day written inventory that I'm finally doing more on after 3 days is, after prayer, showing me 2 resentments that I get to inventory here. 

Though I share them here partly because I doubt any of you will ever meet these people so you won't be harmed by this inventory, it helps me also, always, to remember and share that these resentments are lies made by my mind, where the disease is.  They're not actual facts.  The real people are wonderful, fellow imperfect sober alcoholics who have helped me tremendously. 

I'm resentful at:
Brett W

The Cause 
He becomes anti-therapy and anti-feelings right when I fucking most need a sponsor to share with from my scarred, scared heart, so I get his asshole persona that's an abusive one that could kill us both.  

Affects my:
Self-esteem/fear
Ambition
Security 
Personal relations 
Sex relations 
+?

My part/mistakes
Self-seeking--Brett's been my sponsor since around the time I seemed to get the mental obsession to drink returning in 2016, and his simple suggestions, "work the Steps, work with others," have been vital.  He's not God, and he's not my therapist, but my mind tries to give him a God sized role so I can play that part myself, including in my sponsor's life.

Dishonest--meanwhile, the actual God of my understanding, my Higher Power, has continued to bless me with a very good, a beautiful sober life like He/She/? has since on or before11-1-1, one day at a time, and so I ought to maybe be overwhelmed with gratitude, all the time, or at least more of it!

Frightened--i fear not being above or below any other human being, really experiencing partnership in my daily life.

How I retaliated--people-pleasing, self-sabotage, +?

I'm resentful at:
Brian O

The Cause 
He seemed like he might really help me with my childhood trauma, having shared about his own and taken time with me one on one briefly, but then I get the backlash of "get a job," "talk to your sponsor," and other passive aggressive shit, as he tries to hide in this image of a normal middle class Christian that my presence challenges.

Affects my:
Self-esteem/fear
Ambition
Security 
Personal relations 
Sex relations 

My part/mistakes 
Self-seeking--again, I've been putting divine expectations on a fellow imperfect sober alcoholic; meanwhile, other long time sober friends have been appearing, by my HP/God's g race I believe, for me to share with about childhood trauma, mostly online which might be the safely detached, grounding approach I need while I don't have a trauma-trained therapist.  

Dishonest--also, I believe I envy Brian.  He has tattoos and I'm too pain-averse for those, he has a fairly attractive wife and I'm staying with my parents, he has a job and I'm unemployed, he seems confident and I'm not.  Then there's the other side--I feel bad for having it better than him in some ways, including in this mysterious willingness to keep reworking the Steps, in my nurturing relationships with old timers, and in my being free of his obligations.  And meanwhile,  maybe most importantly, we're both sober (I am, most importantly for me!), involved in our home group, and friends.  

Frightened--I fear that God's not doing things right in my relationships, that I'm going to get smote by divine wrath, that I'll only encounter more depression and tension in my attempts to grow closer to others, and that my path isn't up to any human power.

How Iretaliatedd--people-pleasing, withholding, +?

Thanks!

Current fear:  that doing this will delay my finishing the written inventory from May29th to May30th, so I'll have to change the date and go over it again.  "Isn't it nice to have luxury problems?"--my sponsor Bill L 

alan 24 May 6:13 pm
Hello my friends in recovery, Alan alcoholic.

In a little over half an hour we are due to have an online Zoom video meeting working Step Five at 7pm Paris at https://zoom.us/j/6907802229

MarkB 24 May 3:54 pm
Good afternoon all, Mark, alcoholic/addict.  Apologies but can't make the Step 5 Meeting tonight, I've been asked to perform service (Lead Share) at local meeting.  Admission of my wrongs to myself, another alcoholic and/or group has allowed me to feel free, to face my inner demons and not be controlled by deeper secrets which weighed me down for many years.  Yours in fellowship, Mark.

alan 23 May 6:21 pm
Alan alcoholic.
Tomorrow 24/05 we are due to have an online Zoom video meeting at 7pm Paris at https://zoom.us/j/6907802229, we are currently on Step Five so that will be the topic.

Previously, on 10/05, we had some round robin reading from the step and there was sharing.

I want to ask Chad if he can chair tomorrow's meeting for us, using his experience strength and hope to help mark the way through Step Five.

alan 14 May 11:38 am
Alan alcoholic.

Thanks for that and the 4th step inventory is helping me prepare a Fifth Step, thanks to your suggestion Chad!

Chad 14 05 2019 9:32 am (sent from my mobile)
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and that I can share inventories here, hopefully in keeping with the Step of the month.  Getting to the resentment part of the written inventory (wish I did it daily, first one in 4 or 5 days now), I expected 1 or more people to jump on there who I've argued with in AA Facebook groups in the last day or so, but with prayer for the right words, I found maybe my disease's favorite resentment coming up instead.  

I'm resentful at:
The God of my (mis)understanding 

The Cause 
With all the hostility in the natural world, He could have made people a lot more safe, loving, compassionate and nurturing.  Instead, we get Hitler and a bunch of other sick people, maybe including everyone, like the Big Book says.  And then we're supposed to experience divine love somehow, in the midst of all these mangled human examples.  

Affects my:

Self-esteem
Security
Ambition
Personal relations 
Sex relations 

My part/mistakes 
Self-seeking--I buy my mind's bullshit about how things should be, because I feel powerful in that act, playing God; meanwhile, imperfection makes for adventure, including in my relationships with other people
Frightened--I fear the wounds of abuse, I fear getting more of the same, I fear that any difficulties in my relationships really show trauma is coming, I fear not being able to save people, I fear who I am as one person among many, I fear who I am as the only me my God made, and I fear being betrayed.
Dishonest--while my mind rolls out its bullshit, and part of me stays mesmerized, I'm actually, miraculously, growing closer to others, my real God, and me, through the 12 Steps of AA.

How I retaliated--
Running from intimacy, people-pleasing, avoiding a non-obsessively-ritualized relationship with  my God that might be of the heart, +?

Chad 12 May 9:44 am
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and thanks, glad the meeting went well.  Definitely hoping to join the one on the 24th.  Happy to chair if needed, or not, if someone else is chairing.  No problem either way.  Yesterday (since it's now about quarter to 3am here), I was scheduled to speak at an evening meeting, and told my friend Robert who'd asked me that I had slept through a Friday AA commitment, alarm and all, and that I hoped and planned to be there but that he might want to have a backup.  And, sure enough, I missed that one, too.  Grateful that the program does allow me to make amends everywhere and in every way I need to, and that I even get help acknowledging what went wrong--in Step 5, among others.  The first time I did it, I had a deep expectation of being shamed, rejected, even hated, and then and since then have been greeted with the understanding of the person listening, and the God of my understanding.  Wonderful!  Grateful.  

MarkB 11 May 12:39 pm
Good morning, Mark, alcoholic/addict.  Just back from takign my son to RugbyTots.  We had a wonderful time.  No hangover to impact my moods, no bleary eyes to shy away from the sunlight.  It's great to be alive and sober.  Never mind Chad, we had a good meeting around Step5, no harm done.  There are plenty more in the diary if you'd like to join us.  Next one 7pm CET on 24/05/19, unfortuately I am a Lead Share that night in local meeting so will not be able to attend.  Otherwise see you 2 or 4th Friday each month.  Yours in fellowship, Mark.

Chad 11 05 2019 5:51 am (sent from my mobile)
Chad, alcoholic.  Grateful to be sober, and I owe amends for missing chairing the Zoom meeting earlier.  After setting two alarms on my phone, I fell asleep, but did not wake up in time, which unfortunately has been happening to me a lot in the last 2 or 3 years.  If I can chair another time, I'll be grateful for the opportunity.  Either way, I'm grateful for your part in my sobriety today!

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